Gaslighting is a subtle form of emotional manipulation that can leave you doubting your memory, perception, and even your sanity. Pastor Kerry Decker and Karen Johnson of New Destiny Network discuss practical, faith-informed ways to respond to gaslighting and share a clip by Dr. Henry Cloud that highlights concrete tactics survivors can use. This guide turns those insights into an actionable plan you can follow one step at a time. This is video 9 in our series. Check out the full playlist here.
Step 1: Recognize the pattern — trust actions more than words
One of the most important early defenses against gaslighting is to focus on observable behavior rather than persuasive talk. Gaslighting often involves charm, apologies, or occasional niceties that mask a larger pattern of manipulation. The Bible warns about people who use "by smooth talk and flattery they deceive," (Click for more: Romans 16:17-18) As Dr. Henry Cloud points out, "watch their actions not what they say." That simple rule helps you stay grounded.
When you notice contradictions between what someone says and what they do, mark that as a red flag. It is not enough to rely on a single good gesture. Beware of the "positive cookie" tactic: a brief kindness used to distract from ongoing harm. Remember that a cookie does not erase a pattern of deceit, control, and manipulation.
Step 2: Keep a clear, factual record
Gaslighting relies on making you doubt your recollection. The antidote is a factual record. Write down dates, exact phrases, and actions immediately after they occur. Keep texts, emails, and voicemails. If a conversation happens in person, follow up with a brief message that summarizes what was said and asks for confirmation. This creates a paper trail that reduces the gaslighter's ability to rewrite history. "Let no one deceive you with empty words," (Click for more: Ephesians 5:5-7)
Practical tips
- Use a dedicated journal, digital note app, or a secure folder for messages.
- Record who was present, what was said, and how you felt in that moment.
- When possible, convert verbal agreements into email confirmations.
Step 3: Watch for Projection and Triangulation
Gaslighters often accuse you of the very behaviors they display. They project their faults onto you and recruit others to validate their version of reality. This is triangulation. Be prepared for two specific tactics:
- Projection: When accused of being controlling, they are describing themselves. They blame you for what they are doing.
- Triangulation: Bringing another person into the conflict to isolate you or to make you seem unreasonable.
When you see projection or triangulation, slow your response. Return to documented facts and avoid getting dragged into endless debates about intent. Take solace that there is accountability for actions. (Click here for: Proverbs 19:5)
Step 4: "The best place for a dangerous dog is behind a high fence."
There is always a healthy way to respond to a dysfunctional person, but a healthy response does not guarantee a desired outcome. Pastor Kerry Decker often reminds people that loving someone can mean keeping them at a safe distance. Think of a dangerous animal behind a high fence. The fence protects you. Boundaries do the same work in relationships affected by gaslighting.
Boundary actions
- Limit time spent alone with the person when possible.
- Set clear expectations about communication methods and topics you will not tolerate.
- Walk away when conversations become manipulative or abusive.
If a relationship is salvageable, boundaries give you the space to assess change. If it is not, boundaries prepare you to leave with your dignity and safety intact. "Do not be deceived; 'Bad company ruins good morals.'" (1 Corinthians 15:33)
Step 5: Build a trusted support network and seek wise counsel
Gaslighting thrives in isolation. Create a group of trusted people who can validate your experience without an agenda. Pastor Kerry Decker and Karen Johnson emphasize the importance of "trusted people" who can speak truth and offer perspective. These might include friends, family members, spiritual leaders, or qualified counselors.
When facing complex situations like custody disputes, workplace manipulation, or addiction-related gaslighting, consult professionals. Legal advice, Christian counseling, or trained mediators can provide practical direction and emotional support. "let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance-" (Proverbs 1:5)
Step 6: Use communication tools that protect you
If you must interact with a gaslighter, control the medium. Use emails or texts for important conversations so you have documentation. After meetings, send concise follow-ups that restate decisions and ask for confirmation. This reduces ambiguity and limits the gaslighter's room to reinterpret what happened.
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Examples of protective communication:
- After a meeting: "Per our conversation today, the overtime policy starts next Monday. Please confirm."
- When accused unfairly: "I remember X happening. I have documented notes from that date."
Step 7: Practice self-care and trust the stink test
Dealing with gaslighting is emotionally draining. Build routines that protect your mental and spiritual health. Get adequate rest, keep regular social contact, and engage in practices that ground you. Karen Johnson highlights "the stink test" — if something feels off, do not dismiss that intuition. Your sense of unease is a valid signal. Discernment is a gift from the Holy Spirit, trust those warning signs when you get them. One of my fellow coaches says, "Red lights do not become green lights."
Self-care also includes spiritual disciplines if you are faith-oriented. Prayer, worship, and wise shepherding can provide clarity and strength when the gaslighting feels overwhelming.
"Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them." Ephesians 5:11
Step 8: Prepare for interventions and legal steps if necessary
There are times when documentation and counsel are not enough. In cases of ongoing abuse, addiction, or legally consequential behavior, you may need to take formal steps. Evidence you have gathered becomes essential during interventions, court proceedings, or HR actions.
For workplace situations: follow up verbal directives with written clarifications. Lawyers often recommend that employees put important instructions or changes in writing to create an objective record.
Step 9: For dating and marriage — reduce leverage and observe across seasons
Take your time in dating relationships to see a partner through multiple seasons of life. Commitment decisions are easier to make when you are not clouded by intense physical intimacy that can create leverage. Waiting to engage in sexual intimacy until a committed stage reduces chances that the relationship becomes entangled by manipulation.
Dating for a longer period helps reveal patterns that are otherwise hidden. Look for consistent behavior over time rather than being swayed by charm or promises of change.
Step 10: Summarize and move forward with courage
Responding to gaslighting is a process, not a single act. Summarize what you have learned into a short action plan:
- Document what you see and hear.
- Share your concerns with trusted people and get wise counsel.
- Set firm boundaries and protect your communication.
- Practice self-care and trust your instincts.
- Be prepared to take legal or formal steps if the abuse continues.
Gaslighting does not disappear just because you understand it. Knowledge gives you tools. Use them with courage and wisdom. Pastor Kerry Decker and Karen Johnson remind us that loving others does not mean sacrificing our safety or denying reality. If something smells off, do not ignore it. Protect yourself, gather evidence, and reach out for support.
"Watch their actions not what they say." — Dr. Henry Cloud
Responding to gaslighting is about clarity, boundaries, and community. With a methodical approach and people who can affirm your reality, you regain power over the narrative and protect your well-being. You can reach Pastor Kerry Decker and Karen Johnson at New Destiny Coaching.
