Resist Gaslighting: Build a Network of Honest, Trustworthy People

If you find yourself questioning what happened, wondering whether you are overreacting, or feeling isolated because someone has repeatedly told you that your feelings are wrong, you are likely dealing with the effects of gaslighting. One of the most powerful tools to resist gaslighting is surrounding yourself with emotionally intelligent, safe people and cultivating your own emotional intelligence. Check out this video by Pastor Kerry Decker and Karen Johnson of New Destiny Coaching. 

What gaslighting does to you

Gaslighting is not just about lying. It is a systematic pattern that makes you doubt your perception and your memory. It attacks your trust in yourself so that you begin to rely on the gaslighter as the source of truth. That is why the very first step is to understand the mechanism. When someone constantly contradicts your recollection, minimizes your feelings, or insists that events did not happen the way you remember them, you are being positioned to question your grasp on reality.

"Gaslighting makes you doubt yourself and your own experience."

Recognizing this pattern early prevents it from gaining traction. Notice when you are apologizing more than usual for just being yourself. Notice when you feel like you are losing track of what you remember. Those are the early warning signs.

Trust your smell detector and deal with the stink

We are wired to take input from others. That wiring is a strength when the people around us are honest. The problem arises when a manipulative person becomes your primary source of reality checks. If something about someone or an interaction "smells off" trust your instinct. If you were to open the pantry and smell a rotten potato closing the pantry and pretending nothing is wrong does not address the problem. 

"You got to trust your 'smell detector' in relationships. And then you got to deal with the stink." Kerry Decker

Practically, dealing with the stink means testing experiences against other sources of reality and taking action when patterns emerge. It may mean confronting the person, setting boundaries, or distancing yourself while you sort out what is true. The key is not to ignore or minimize your instincts. Galatians 5 provides a helpful tool to determine if someone is bearing good fruit or not. Remember, "I hear what you say, I believe what you do." Kerry Decker

Surround yourself with honest people

Honesty is not the same as agreeability. What I need in my life are people who will tell me the truth, even when it is hard to hear. Proverbs 27:5-6 says, "Better is an open reprimand [of loving correction] Than love that is hidden. Faithful are the wounds of a friend [who corrects out of love and concern], But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful [because they serve his hidden agenda]." (Amplified Bible) You do not need reassuring voices that mask danger. You need honest voices that will speak up and hold you accountable.

"Faithful are the wounds of a friend but profuse are the kisses of an enemy." Proverbs 27:6

Who can you trust to point out when you are making a mistake, do so with care, and celebrate your growth? Honest, loving people are not there to tear you down. They are there to steer you clear of harm.

The winning combination of trustworthy and discreet

Honesty without discretion can lead to gossip. When you are trying to recover your sense of reality from the effects of gaslighting, the last thing you need is someone who will broadcast your struggles. Trustworthy people protect your confidentiality and give counsel that honors your dignity.

Ask yourself these questions about potential safe people:

• Do they keep confidences?
• Do they follow through on commitments?
• Do they speak truth in a constructive way?

If the answers to these questions are yes then you have likely found someone who can help you test your perceptions without causing additional harm.

Find a travel guide that knows the terrain

There is a difference between someone who has read about recovery and someone who has lived it. The best counsel often comes from people who have traveled a similar road and can say with credibility, this is what worked for me. Not mean every situation is identical but lived experience brings practical insight and empathy.

Having someone who is both spiritually healthy and emotionally mature offers insightful guidance. Seek counsel from those who have demonstrated growth and healthy practices in their own relationships.

Choose encouragers who spur you toward good

Encouragement is different from blind positivity. The Bible refers to Barnabas as an encourager. Encouragers consistently come alongside others and help them step into better versions of themselves. Encouragers notice strengths, name them, and help you use them for constructive change.

"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds." Hebrews 10:24

True encouragers will not cheer you on toward harm. They will pull out what is good in you and help you pursue it. In the context of dealing with gaslighting, encouragers help you rebuild confidence in your perceptions and decisions.

Accountability over advice

Good advice is helpful but accountability is even better. Accountability is the difference between hearing good advice and making sustained change. When someone gives you counsel, ask them to follow up. Ask them to check in, to hold you to limits, and to celebrate milestones with you. Accountability partners are especially valuable when you are disentangling from manipulative dynamics because they help you maintain boundaries when your resolve weakens.

Simple accountability practices include regular check ins, progress markers for change, and agreed upon follow through for boundary violations. Accountability is love in action because it sacrifices comfort for long term wellbeing.

Actions speak louder than words

Kerry often says, "I hear what you say, I believe what you do." People who are safe show their values in their behavior over time. Words can be crafted to manipulate perception. Actions (especially over time) reveal character. When choosing safe people watch their consistency. Do they keep promises? Do they admit mistakes? Do they change patterns when confronted? These behaviors separate honest, trustworthy people from those who simply perform kindness when it suits them.

Healthy characteristics include consistent follow through, vulnerability about mistakes, and visible efforts to repair harm. Watch out for frequent contradictions, blaming, and refusal to accept correction.

Steps to build your network and your discernment

Here are simple, concrete steps you can take today to create a safer social environment and strengthen your own emotional intelligence.

1. Make a list of five people you currently rely on for feedback. Evaluate each person against honesty trustworthiness discretion and lived experience. Decide which two people you will prioritize for deeper connection.
2. Practice naming your perception out loud to a trusted friend. For example say I remember this conversation happening this way and I felt hurt. Ask them to help you process whether your reaction fits the context. Notice how their response affects your clarity.
3. Set a boundary script. If someone gaslights you try saying, "I remember it differently. I need to take a break," then check with someone you trust. Return to the conversation when you are clear. Use this temporary disengagement tool to prevent spiraling.
4. Schedule a weekly accountability check in with one person. Share a small goal related to emotional health or relational boundaries and report progress each week.
5. Seek professional help as needed. 

Final encouragement

If someone is making you doubt your own sense of reality and your own experience you do not have to solve it alone. Surround yourself with honest trustworthy encouragers who will hold you accountable and who will help you rebuild a sense of truth. Trust your instincts. Watch what people do. Develop accountability and boundary tools. Over time you will find that your confidence in your own perception returns and that the grip of gaslighting loosens.

We were not meant to walk the path of recovery in isolation. Take one practical step today. Call a trustworthy person, set a boundary, and plan an accountability check in. Small steady moves will build a network of safe people and toward healthier relationships.

Interested in Life Coaching? Contact New Destiny Coaching today.