10 Steps to Recognize and Navigate Gaslighting in a Healthy Way

Gaslighting — what is it, how does it show up in relationships, work, church and even in public life, and most importantly, what can you do to protect your sense of reality? Kerry Decker and I, Karen Johnson of New Destiny Coaching unpack these questions in our video, Gaslighting, Understand What it is. Gaslighting is a powerful manipulative tactic. It is used by people who want power and control over you. Learn to recognize gaslighting, how to separate reality from manipulation, and practical steps you can take to strengthen yourself and keep your relationships healthy.

Step 1: Understanding what Gaslighting is

Gaslighting is a psychological technique used to make you question your own reality. A gaslighter intentionally twists facts, denies events, or fabricates narratives to make you doubt what you saw, heard, felt, or experienced. The aim is not debate or persuasion — the aim is control. When someone succeeds in making you question your reality, they gain leverage over your decisions, emotions, and behavior.

"It's a psychological technique... a tool... a strategy that people use to make the other person — meaning you — question your own reality." Dr. Henry Cloud

The core element of gaslighting is an erosion of trust in your own perceptions so another person can dominate the narrative and the relationship. Gaslighting is deliberate and strategic. It can be subtle at first, and you often don’t notice it until the pattern has been repeated enough that you begin to doubt yourself.

Step 2: Recognize the common signs of gaslighting

Gaslighting doesn’t always look dramatic. Here are common signs to watch for:

• Denial: The person denies things they said or did, even things you remember clearly.
• Minimizing your feelings: They tell you that you are "too sensitive" or "overreacting" even when your response is reasonable.
• Twisting facts: They retell events with a changed narrative that makes you the problem.
• False support: They claim others have said or done things that support their story, then isolate you from those people.
• Blame shifting: You are repeatedly made to feel responsible for their bad behavior or for the consequences of their lies.
• Isolation: They work to cut you off from friends, family, or other sources of reality-checking.
• Explosive anger: They use rage or make threats to manipulate or control you.

These signs appear across settings. I’ve seen them in relationships, workplaces, church communities. We see gaslighting in media or politics, where narratives get edited or spun to deny what people actually witnessed.

Step 3: Understand what gaslighting is NOT

Not every disagreement or difference of recollection is gaslighting. It’s important to distinguish true manipulation from differing perspectives. Gaslighting is deliberate, repeated, and aimed at controlling your perception. Here are things that are not gaslighting:

• Having a different opinion or perspective.
• Occasional, lies or slips that can be clarified easily.
• Different recollections of the same event that arise from honest, subjective memory.

Labeling every disagreement as gaslighting dilutes the meaning of the term. Real gaslighting involves a pattern, clear intent, and an impact on your psychological stability.

Step 4: Listen to the evidence — watch actions, not just words

We say, "Hear what someone says, but believe what they do." Gaslighters will promise and explain away behavior, but their actions reveal their true intentions. Watch for patterns. Does the person’s behavior match their words? If not, pay attention and create healthy boundaries.

One way to test consistency is to keep notes of events and conversations. When you later look back and the other person insists something never happened or was different, your notes can serve as an anchor to your reality.

Step 5: Rely on trusted friends and wise counsel as reality checks

Gaslighters try to isolate you because it makes their manipulation easier. One of the most effective defenses is a trusted circle. Reach out to people who know you, who will be honest, and who will give you a stable viewpoint.

• Share situations with a close friend and ask for their honest take.
• Seek out wise counsel — mentors, counselors, or a coach who can evaluate patterns objectively.
• Be open to feedback that challenges your assumptions; the goal is truthful clarity.

When you ask people you trust, you regain a larger perspective and often see the manipulation for what it is.

Step 6: Examine the "fruit" of their character 

A helpful tool is to evaluate the person’s character over time. Galatians 5 gives us a contrast between the Fruit of the Spirit and the acts of the flesh that helps to determine character. Are they honest, respectful, self-controlled, and kind? Or are they often selfish, prone to rage, hateful, impure, and jealous? 

Gaslighters often score high on charm and convincing talk, but low on consistent, loving behavior. They may show selfish ambition, fits of anger, or manipulative patterns. Ask: "What fruit (character traits) is this person bearing in everyday life?" The evidence of their character is more reliable than promises or persuasive language.

Step 7: Set boundaries and document interactions

When you’ve identified gaslighting, your next steps should be to protect yourself. Boundaries are essential. Decide what you will accept and what you won’t. Communicate those boundaries clearly and enforce them.

• When forming boundaries use "I" statements. For example, "I will not accept being yelled at. If you yell at me, I will leave until you cool down and can talk calmly." When you form a boundary be prepared to follow through if they break it. 
• Note important conversations in a journal, email summaries, or send messages you can reference later.

Documentation not only helps you preserve your sense of reality, it also deters a person who knows their lies can be checked against written records.

Step 8: Respond — don't react

When confronted with gaslighting, resist the urge to match manipulation with emotion. Respond calmly and firmly. Use short statements that assert your boundaries and support a healthy relationship. Examples:

• "I remember it differently. Let’s not debate this right now."
• "I don’t accept being blamed for someone else’s choices. I’m stepping away until we can talk without yelling."

Gaslighters rely on escalation and confusion. Staying calm and refusing to be dragged into chaotic exchanges removes their fuel.

Step 9: Seek professional support if needed

Sometimes the pattern is deep, and professional help is necessary. Counselors trained in emotional abuse and manipulation can help you safely assess the relationship, create exit plans if needed, and rebuild confidence. If the gaslighting occurs in an institutional setting — your workplace or church — consider whether the organizational leadership will objectively address unhealthy behaviors. If not consider outside mediation, a change of employment or church, and if needed seek legal advice.

Step 10: Protect yourself and build resilience

You can protect yourself, but you can’t change someone who is committed to control. If the gaslighter refuses accountability and continues to harm your mental health, appropriate boundaries are the healthiest option. Involve your support networks, and legal, or safety assistance when necessary.

Recovering from gaslighting requires rebuilding trust in yourself. Here are practical ways to support your wellbeing:

• Keep a daily record of thoughts and events to reinforce memory and clarity.
• Practice discernment: ask for corroboration from a trusted friend before doubting yourself.
• Invest in activities that restore confidence — therapy, prayer, and community.
• Learn to identify emotional manipulation: read and study patterns so you can spot them earlier next time.

Conclusion: Protect your reality — and reclaim your voice

Gaslighting is more than a rude behavior — it’s a deliberate attempt to rewrite someone’s reality so another person gains power. It can be subtle and the effects accumulate over time. The good news is that you can protect yourself: pay attention to patterns, rely on trusted people, document events, set boundaries, and seek help when needed.

Remember: watch actions over words, check the fruit of character, keep wise counsel, and be ready to step away when boundaries are ignored. Whether it appears in personal relationships, workplaces, church, or public discourse, gaslighting thrives in isolation and confusion. You can counter it by preserving clarity, community, and your right to a truthful view of your life.

Want to go deeper? Join our Facebook community at Beyond Betrayal to connect with others and find resources to strengthen your resilience. Or contact us at New Destiny Coaching. You don’t have to face this alone.