Does God Allow Pain & Suffering in Order to Draw us to Him?

New Destiny Coaching explores a hard question that has echoed through human hearts for centuries: Why does God allow pain and suffering? Life Coaches, Pastor Kerry Decker and Karen Johnson of New Destiny Coaching, discuss betrayal, grief, hiddenness, and the surprising ways suffering can become a doorway to deeper faith. Here we restate and expand on their reflections, drawing from biblical insight and personal stories to help readers understand how pain can point people toward God.

The question that cuts the deepest: Why does God allow pain?

When pain comes—especially in the form of betrayal by a loved one—people often ask, "Why did God allow this?" That question can erode trust in God or push someone away from faith entirely. The hosts note that unanswered prayers and prolonged suffering make it easy to conclude either that God does not care or that God does not exist. Yet the conversation aims to reframe suffering not as a sign of divine absence but as a context in which important spiritual formation happens.

Pain reveals need

Pain makes people look up. When life collapses, when you find yourself in a "pit" and self-reliance fails, the need for help becomes undeniable. It is in these times when growth often takes place. In that painful dependency, people can discover what the apostle Paul called the "sufficiency of God’s grace."

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9a

When God does not remove a struggle immediately, sometimes the divine purpose is to strengthen rather than deliver—equipping a person to endure and to rely on a grace that is greater than their own resources.

Betrayal and the two (or three) predictable responses

The conversation identifies common human reactions to suffering and betrayal. People typically move in one of two directions: they become bitter, or they become better. But there is a third, subtler response that often masquerades as strength.

• Bitterness: Guardedness, anger, and hardened hearts that shut people out and prevent healing.
• False empowerment: A defiant resolve—“nobody is ever going to hurt me again”—that hardens character and removes softness, beauty, and vulnerability.
• Better/Transformation: Genuine growth that leads to deeper trust in God and other people, rooted in a willingness to be made whole rather than merely unbreakable.

Protective walls—emotional fortresses meant to prevent future pain—also block joy, intimacy, and spiritual nourishment. Building walls prevent good things from entering life as well. That is a cost few anticipate when they decide to "never be hurt again."

How false empowerment shows up

False empowerment is not just a feminine or masculine phenomenon, though it can take gendered shapes. Women sometimes lose softness and attractiveness when they harden; men sometimes trade kindness for a brittle toughness. Both responses are understandable but ultimately inadequate as a final posture toward life. A faith-founded resilience—soft yet strong, kind yet capable of protecting—is the healthier outcome.

Why does God allow hiddenness? Maturity and preparation

Another layer of the conversation addresses the problem of divine hiddenness: why doesn't God "show up" more obviously? God’s hiddenness can serve a larger purpose: to help human beings grow up. If God always delivered the life people wanted on demand, faith would remain childish and transactional. Suffering can be a training ground for maturity.

When faith is only a "genie faith"—perform the rituals and get the outcomes—there is no deep formation. Pain interrupts that pattern and asks the believer to trust a God who is not a vending machine but a wise, loving Father who prepares His children for what is ahead.

Biblical anchors: Paul, Jesus, and the Trinity

The hosts anchor their reflections in scripture. Paul’s thorn in the flesh (2 Corinthians 12) is a premier example: God did not remove Paul’s affliction but reassured him that grace would be sufficient. In that paradox, Paul learned to boast in his weaknesses because they became the stage for God’s power.

"I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9b

Likewise, Jesus’ experience on the cross demonstrates that God is not distant from human suffering. The cross reveals a God who enters suffering rather than escaping it. The cross demonstrates the character of God: willing to endure pain and suffering to redeem and restore.

Real-life stories: sepsis, a bitten dog, and different responses

Personal testimony makes theological reflection tangible. Karen shared that her family dog was bitten by a rattlesnake and nearly died. A few days later Karen was hospitalized with sepsis and nearly died. By the grace of God both survived. For some of her family members, these near death events caused despair and distance from God. For others, the same events provided hope and deepened their faith as they witnessed lives saved. The same event can drive people to very different conclusions.

These stories illustrate two key points: first, pain can function as a crucible revealing where a person looks for help; second, recovery and testimony following suffering can become a powerful witness for others. Someone who learns to live with hope models a different way than someone who hardens and withdraws.

Choices in suffering: make it worse or make it better

Suffering is not morally productive. It is the response to suffering that matters. When faced with betrayal, grief, or illness, people will orient toward something or someone for help. That orientation matters tremendously. Responses can worsen the original injury, or they can become part of a healing narrative.

• Unhealthy responses: Isolation, revenge, self-medication, and building impermeable walls cause additional damage.
• Healthy responses: Seeking community, confessing pain, learning from mentors, and allowing grief to bring one to God create opportunities for healing to begin.

Practical wisdom flows from this: choices made in the aftermath of pain can either compound harm or open the door to restoration. Lean into resources that foster healing rather than escape.

Practical steps toward a faith-filled response

To translate these ideas into daily life, here are some concrete steps for those wondering what to do when pain arrives:

• Look up first: Allow the initial cry for help to be to God. Recognize that dependence is not a failure but a doorway to grace.
• Avoid building walls: Guarding the heart is wise; use discernment and treat your heart like a gate rather than a fortress. A walled in heart is a fortress which keeps the good out as well.
• Find community: Share the story with trusted friends, mentors, or counselors who can help process betrayal.
• Learn from example: Let others’ stories (both victories and failures) inform how to respond without having to suffer every lesson firsthand.
• Practice hopeful faith: Intentionally choose to be better not bitter; allow hope to inform your decisions and behaviors.

Beyond Betrayal: Resources for the journey

Kerry designed "Beyond Betrayal" a program to help people move through relational wounds. Karen has been through the program and is a certified Beyond Betrayal instructor. They emphasize that it is possible to get beyond betrayal without holding a particular religious belief, but that trusting that God can redeem pain—brings a depth of healing that human effort alone cannot achieve. Information about this ministry can be found at BeyondBetrayal.org and on Facebook under the same name.

One last life lesson: responding to pain with faith

A final, provocative thought: perhaps the ultimate lesson of life is learning how to respond to pain in a hopeful, faith-filled way. Many life lessons are important but choosing to say, "no matter what life throws at me, I will be okay" is a profound endgame of spiritual formation.

That does not minimize pain or promise easy answers. Rather, it reframes endurance as a spiritual discipline that cultivates dependence on a merciful and sustaining God. It also reframes suffering as an arena where character, faith, and community converge to create deeper meaning. Adopt a Romans 8:28 faith, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Trust that God is working ALL THINGS for GOOD, even this. 

Conclusion: Why does God allow pain? To invite a deeper life.

So why does God allow pain and suffering? The answer given in this conversation is not simple or satisfying to every intuition, but it is hopeful: God allows (or permits) pain in part to draw people to Himself, to reveal dependence, to cultivate maturity, and to provide opportunities for grace to be experienced and displayed. Pain can either harden or heal; the difference often lies in how a person chooses to respond and who they allow to shape that response.

For those walking through betrayal, illness, or loss, the invitation is clear—do not let suffering become the final word. Seek community, remember that weakness can be the stage for God's strength, and consider how your story can become a witness for others. The journey beyond betrayal is possible, and for many, it becomes the place where faith moves from convenience to conviction. 

Anyone seeking help or wanting to explore these ideas further may find resources and community through BeyondBetrayal.org and NewDestinyCoaching.com.

Recommended next steps:

1. Reflect honestly on how recent pain has reshaped your heart.
2. Choose one practical step from the list above to implement this week.
3. Consider reaching out for support to process betrayal.
4. Turn to Scripture for guidance and comfort: Jeremiah 29:13 says, "You will seek Me (God) and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart." Philippians 4:6-7 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." 

Blessing: May anyone reading be encouraged to look up in times of pain, to allow grace to meet weakness, and to discover that suffering—while never desired—can be used to draw a person closer to the God who meets them in the midst of it.