Why does God allow pain and suffering? A guide to growth, grief, and grace

Pastor Kerry Decker and Karen Johnson, Life Coaches with New Destiny Coaching tackle a question that has haunted believers and seekers for centuries: Why does God allow pain and suffering? Their discussion moves beyond abstract theology into practical, compassionate guidance for anyone who feels cheated by life—whether the hurt comes from betrayal, loss, illness, or the slow erosion of hope. This article distills their insights into clear principles and actionable steps readers can use to find meaning, healing, and spiritual growth in the midst of suffering.

The problem: expectations, free will, and a fallen world

At the heart of the question, "Why does God allow pain and suffering," is a clash between expectation and reality. Many people approach life with assumptions: if they love God and try to do the right thing, God will shield them from deep hurt. Pastor Kerry pushes back on that idea, arguing that such an expectation is often naive. The world is not operating as it was designed to. The Bible and everyday observation describe three realities that shape what we should expect:

• Creation itself is fallen—things break, bodies age, systems fail.
• People who surround us are fallen—others make choices that wound us.
• We ourselves are fallen—our own character, judgments, and choices can bring suffering.

When those three truths are accepted, it becomes clearer why suffering exists and why it is unreasonable to expect God to intervene in every moment to prevent pain—especially where human free will is involved. If God halted every harmful choice, free will would be nullified and we would live in a world that no one could survive morally or practically.

What Scripture and experience say about God's role in suffering

Pastor Kerry and Karen draw on scripture and real-life stories to offer a balanced view. Two biblical notes stand out in their conversation. First, the apostle Paul learned to find growth through a suffering he longed to have removed. Second, Joseph’s life—sold into slavery, imprisoned, then exalted—becomes a model for how God can bring good from evil.

"What you intended against me for evil, God intended for good."  Genesis 50:20

In scripture Joseph, summarizes a major theological claim: God neither delights in our pain nor wastes it. Rather, when people trust God’s wisdom, love, and power, even the most painful seasons can be a catalyst for spiritual maturity.

Romans 8:28 says, "All things work together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose." That contingency matters—this promise is given to those who continue to love and align with God’s purposes, even in suffering.

Allowing versus using: a careful distinction

Pastor Kerry emphasizes a distinction: God may allow suffering, and He can use it. The difference is important. Saying "God uses pain to bring us to Him" can be dangerously simplistic and can be misconstrued as God actively inflicts harm for our sake. Instead, Pastor Kerry claims that God, in his wisdom, does not waste the broken things in our lives. He can bring redemption, meaning, and growth out of experiences that were not intended by Him for our harm but arose from a broken world or the choices of others.

This distinction matters for people who have been deeply harmed. When pain seems to have "backfired"—when it drives someone toward addiction, self-harm, or despair—that reality cannot be smoothed over with theology. The presence of suffering is not a guarantee of spiritual return. Rather, it's an opportunity that requires human cooperation: grief, lament, community, and the difficult work of forgiveness and boundary-setting.

Responding to suffering 

Not everyone responds to pain by drawing closer to God. Some respond with drinking, drugs, anger, or self-harm. Pastor Kerry acknowledges this and provides a guide: walk people through the grief and forgiveness process so that suffering does not become a trap but a turning point.

Kerry shares a heartbreaking example of a grandmother whose daughter was murdered. That daughter's child was present when the daughter was killed. The grandmother shared that she was washing the bloody socks of her granddaughter—realizing that she was washing her daughter's blood away. He tells this story not to sensationalize but to illustrate that even when life brings about unimaginable suffering it's important to take a path toward healing instead of turning to a dark path. 

Practical applications: how to move beyond betrayal and pain

The heart of the conversation is not only theological explanation but practical help. Below are steps, tools, and a suggested plan drawn from the themes of the discussion. These are designed for anyone asking, "Why does God allow pain and suffering" and desires to move toward healing.

Core practices

• Mourn intentionally. Jesus said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Grief is not mere sadness; it is the deep work that heals sadness. Allow the full weight of loss—deny the toxic pressure to "be over it" quickly.
• Engage a structured grief process. Work with a counselor, pastor, or support group to name losses, feel them, and move through them. Private, unresolved grief often becomes rumination or bitterness.
• Practice forgiveness as a choice, not a feeling. Forgiveness does not mean excusing a crime or granting ongoing access to an abuser. It means releasing the consuming claim that the offender’s actions will control your life. Forgiveness can be a step toward freedom even when justice runs its course.
• Set healthy boundaries. Learn to protect yourself while you heal. Forgiveness and boundaries are not opposites; they work together.
• Examine relational patterns. Pastor Kerry calls this looking at your "people picker." Are there recurring red flags you miss? Use hard seasons to learn and reframe how you choose partners and friends.
• Stay connected to community. Private pain grows darker in isolation. A safe, faithful community offers perspective, accountability, and the practical help people often need.

An 8-week practical plan

1. Week 1 — Acknowledge and mourn: Name losses, sit with tears, and journal what you miss.
2. Week 2 — Safety and boundaries: If the harm is ongoing, create immediate safety plans; practice saying "no" and limiting contact where necessary.
3. Week 3 — Honest inventory: Look at what choices or blind spots contributed to the situation (not to blame, but to learn).
4. Week 4 — Professional support: Meet with a counselor or pastor to begin guided processing.
5. Week 5 — Forgiveness work: Begin small acts of letting go—letter-writing (not always sent), symbolic rituals, or guided prayers.
6. Week 6 — Rebuild spiritual habits: Reintroduce practices that foster resilience—prayer, Bible reading, worship, and rest.
7. Week 7 — Reconnect wisely: Re-enter relationships slowly, try new communities, and practice new boundary skills.
8. Week 8 — Integrate and plan forward: Reflect on growth, set goals for the next six months, and identify accountability supports.

Tools for the journey

Here are practical tools that you can implement immediately:

• Journaling prompts: "What do I feel entitled to?" "Where did I lose myself in a relationship?" "What boundary would have protected me?"
• Daily micro-practices: read an uplifting devotion, listen to Christian music, make a short gratitude list each evening.
• Scripture anchors: Read Romans 8:28, James 1:2–4, and Matthew 5:4 and 5:7 and journal responses.
• Community entry points: Seek a small group, a faith-based counselor, or a trusted mentor who models resilience and grace.

When hope is hard to hold: trust and the long view

Pastor Kerry reminds us that trusting God’s purposes does not mean denying pain; it means keeping faith when the outcome is uncertain. Many people "quit before the blessing"—they abandon hope before God’s work has time to unfold. The promise in Romans 8:28 is real for those who persevere in love and purpose, even when they cannot yet see how good will come.

"God never inflicts a needless tear." — C.S. Lewis

That quote is not a cheap consolation. It points to a belief that God’s wisdom and love are at work even in what feels senseless. For those who trust this perspective, suffering becomes a painful but potentially transformational chapter rather than a final verdict.

Final encouragement and next steps

Suffering is not proof that God is absent or unloving. It is evidence that the world—and human hearts—are broken. Within that reality, the Christian claim is that God can and does bring good from tragedy for those who love Him and are called according to His good purposes (see Romans 8:28).

New Destiny Coaching invites those struggling to explore deeper healing through their private Facebook community at BeyondBetrayal.org. For readers asking, "Why does God allow pain and suffering," the answer will not erase tears, but it can offer a trustworthy roadmap: mourn well, seek mercy, choose forgiveness, and trust that growth is possible—even when it comes through pain.

Practical closing prompts:

• Today: name one loss and write a sentence acknowledging it.
• This week: set one healthy boundary and practice it in a small, safe context.
• This month: connect with a counselor or join a supportive group and commit to eight weeks of work.

Healing is often slow, but it is possible. The presence of pain does not cancel God’s love, wisdom, or power to redeem. For those willing to wrestle honestly, the journey beyond betrayal can become a path toward deeper maturity, resilience, and hope. You can find New Destiny Coaching at newdestinycoaching.wlbookings.com.