Ministering to a Christian Transsexual by Loving Deeply and Thinking Clearly

Some topics do not just “enter” your mind. They pursue you. They keep tapping on the same door, asking the same hard questions, until you either run from them or wrestle with them. 

Pastor Kerry Decker of New Destiny Coaching and author of Healing for the Wounded Heart shares one of those long wrestling matches. Kerry maps out his journey of ministering to a Transsexual Christian friend, not as a sensational story, but as a testimony of how to love selflessly, think clearly, and remain faithful to Christ amid tough questions facing our culture.

The heart of his approach is simple, yet difficult: love deeply and think clearly. Everything else in the story flows from that.

Begin with compassion and confidentiality

Before sharing anything publicly, Pastor Kerry emphasizes a pastoral obligation that comes before analysis, argument, or debate: confidentiality.

As a pastor, he says there are experiences he cannot speak about. Ministering involves sacred trust. In his work with his friend (he uses the name “Chris,” not the person’s real name), that trust mattered deeply. Chris wanted to share his story, but also wanted to remain anonymous, so he gave permission for Kerry to share it.

When faith and Transsexual topics are discussed, it is easy for stories to become weapons. Over several sessions Kerry shares Chris' real journey without violating his trust.

Look at the whole picture not just the “headline year”

The journey Kerry describes did not begin in 2018, when he began ministering to Chris through pastoral counseling and life coaching. Their connection started decades earlier, around 1976 near San Francisco. Chris attended Kerry’s church. Chris’ girlfriend was raised going to that church. Over time, Chris became a Christian and was baptized. As their relationship grew, Chris and his girlfriend got married, and Kerry officiated their wedding.

Later, they moved to another church, and lost contact. Years later, Kerry heard that Chris began living his life as a Transsexual person.

Why does this timeline matter? Because it frames the story as more than a “before and after” moral argument. It shows that people are not one-dimensional. Faith journeys are layered. Relationships change. Church involvement ebbs and flows. And sometimes, the most honest conversations require acknowledging the full timeline rather than grabbing a single event for dramatic effect.

Invite difficult questions

One reason this topic is so difficult is that people do not always come from different starting points. Christians often go to scripture and draw their conclusions. Meanwhile many people do not believe the Bible. So there needs to be an approach that takes this into consideration. Kerry calls this a “puzzle piece” in his thinking: How do you talk clearly about this matter with people who do not share your religious convictions?

Thinking this way shaped how Kerry planned to communicate. He wanted his understanding to be clear even for those who do not believe the Bible.

He also wrestled with other fundamental questions, including:

• Can a man become a woman or a woman become a man through gender reassignment surgery and/or hormone treatments?
• What is gender? Understanding gender dysphoria, gender reassignment surgery, and gender affirming care.
• Is gender dysphoria a mental illness?
• How do social issues relate, such as men in women’s sports etc?
• What about gender affirming care for minors, including cases without parental consent?
• What part of this is personal, what part is political, and what part is pastoral?

This list represents an inventory Kerry takes to avoid speaking carelessly.

Keep Christ as the guiding question for ministry

The most important question to consider is: How might we best minister to trans persons and those with gender dysphoria, and what would Christ expect of us?

That is the lens that has guided Kerry's ministry for his friend and others in the trans community. Theology becomes the posture of how a Christian treats people.

Consider how Jesus treated sinners: "When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, 'Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?' On hearing this, Jesus said, 'It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.  But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.'” (Matthew 9:11-13 NIV)

“Clarity” and “love” must move together

Clarity is not about being harsh. Love is not about being vague. They are twins. Combining “loving deeply and thinking clearly” is difficult but essential otherwise:

• Clarity becomes cruelty, speaking as though people are problems to solve.

• Or love becomes compromise, speaking as though truth does not matter.

The aim is to keep both: honest engagement with ideas, and honest care for people.  Not every point of view is equally valid. 

"Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." (Colossians 4:6 NIV)

Upcoming: what happened after the wedding

In the next video/blog Kerry describes what happened to Chris between his wedding and their reconnection in 2018. Covering the key points of Chris' journey:

• Father of four children
• His marriage dissolved
• Gender reassignment surgery
• Living as a Transexual person
• And what brought him back to Jesus

Main take-aways, a better path forward:

• Love deeply: honor confidentiality and value people 
• Think clearly: openly discuss difficult questions. Including questions about gender, mental health, and social policy.
• Keep Christ in the center: by keeping sight of what Jesus expects of followers, especially in pastoral care.
• Accept complexity: let the timeline of real life shape the conversation.

For anyone navigating questions about gender, faith, church life, or ministry, this is a starting posture worth adopting. Not because it guarantees agreement. But because it promises something better...careful thinking and sincere compassion, grounded in Christ.

Pastor Kerry is part of Beyond Trans, which provides a supportive community, trustworthy resources, and access to professionals for anyone seeking clarity, compassion and reliable information, through educational and peer-support resources. Check out Kerry's Beyond Trans profile here.