Gaining Insight: Why Does God Allow Pain & Suffering:  Insight 

Why does God allow pain and suffering? Pastor Kerry Decker and Karen Johnson unpack how pain functions not only to hurt us but to teach us, warn us, and refine our responses. They explore practical steps you can take when pain comes, and how to turn painful lessons into wisdom that helps you and others.

Why does God allow pain? Two primary ways pain gives us insight

When you ask why does God allow difficulty, it's helpful to think in two dimensions: the outside warning and the inside revealing.

• Outside: Pain alerts us to danger. Physical, relational, and situational pain often serve as alarm systems. Just like the way a fever alerts you that something in the body is wrong, pain in life tells us that something in our environment, choices, or relationships needs attention.
• Inside: Pain reveals who we are. How we respond to loss, betrayal, or illness exposes our spiritual, emotional, and relational health. It’s one thing to be cheerful when all is well; it’s another to see how you act in the middle of the storm.

Karen often says, “My response is my responsibility.” That means pain is not merely to be endured; it is an invitation to examine and grow. When you ask why does God allow suffering, remember He is not indifferent to the hurt—He is patient in the process of refining character and opening our eyes.

Pain exposes danger: recognizing wolves in sheep’s clothing

One of the clearest insights pain offers is identifying danger in people and places. Karen shared a painful yet clarifying experience: what she excused as immature or struggling behavior turned out to be a wolf in sheep’s clothing. After being hurt she was able to recognize the deception and manipulation.

Many of us have made excuses for red flags—telling ourselves they will change, or believing we can fix them. Pain strips away the excuse list. It alerts us to patterns outside of normal limits and calls us to protect ourselves and others.

Questions to ask when pain reveals danger

• Is this pattern repeated or one isolated lapse?
• Are there consistent boundaries being crossed despite expressed agreements?
• Does this relationship undermine my spiritual, emotional, or physical health?
• Do their actions match what they say? 

If the answer points toward repeated harm, pain is telling you to act—set boundaries, seek counsel, or remove yourself from the unhealthy environment.

What pain reveals about us: what our responses teach others

It doesn’t always matter why you suffer; it matters how you suffer. The way you carry grief and respond to betrayal will either model a healthy path or perpetuate harmful cycles. Pain can be a classroom in which character is taught.

Grief is not something to bypass. Kerry often says, “Grief is the sadness that cures sadness.” When Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted,” He pointed to the necessity of grieving well. Avoidance, numbing, or rage only prolong brokenness and injure relationships further.

“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” Romans 12:21

This scripture is commonly misunderstood. It’s not saying that you must passively continue to be hurt by bad actors while pretending everything is fine. Instead, it points to a mature stance: do not let evil define you or control your behavior; respond in ways that reflect truth, love, and protective wisdom.

Practical responses: grief, forgiveness, and redemptive boundaries

When pain comes, here are practical, tested responses you can adopt immediately:

1. Grieve fully. Allow the sadness, name it, and seek healthy comfort. Grief done well leads to healing.
2. Forgive appropriately. Forgiveness is not the same as permitting abuse. It’s the choice to release the hold of bitterness so your heart can be free. Appropriate forgiveness often requires boundaries and sometimes distance.
3. Set redemptive boundaries. Boundaries are not punishment for the other person; they are limits you place on yourself to protect your health. Ask: What am I willing to tolerate? What protects the dignity and safety of everyone involved?
4. Learn healthy conflict resolution. Most people improvise when conflict arises. Healthy skills—listening, clarifying, taking responsibility, and negotiating clear agreements—must be learned and modeled. When we don’t have those skills in our family of origin, we ought to pursue training or coaching.
5. Make health the primary relationship goal. If you prioritize emotional and spiritual health over immediate happiness, you will make choices that stabilize relationships long-term. Happiness can be a byproduct of health, but making happiness the primary aim often leads to fragile decisions.

Boundaries: what they are and why they matter

A boundary answers the question: What am I willing to tolerate? You get what you tolerate. If you tolerate disrespect, you'll receive more disrespect; if you tolerate addiction without protection, you'll be consumed by it. A redemptive boundary can look like reducing contact, insisting on counseling before reconciliation, or communicating consequences for continued hurtful behavior.

Boundaries give space for repentance and change. They also protect the vulnerable in the relationship, and they model accountability for the person causing the harm.

Learning healthy conflict resolution

Conflict is inevitable; destructive handling of conflict is not. Many people do not know how to resolve conflict because they were never taught. You can learn:

• How to calm down before addressing the issue
• How to use “I” statements rather than accusatory “you” statements
• How to reflect back what the other person has said to ensure understanding
• How to repair when you’ve blown it—make an appropriate apology and follow through with amends

Even when you fumble, how you repair matters. A sincere apology and tangible changes are the actions that demonstrate growth.

When the church wounds: rediscovering a healthy community

We also talked about pain that can come from a dysfunctional church. The church can be a place of deep goodness and, sadly, deep hurt. Sometimes our “people picker” is broken—we unconsciously choose people who replicate old wounds. Other times, we ignore red flags hoping to fix or reform someone without support.

If you find yourself repeatedly wounded in community, it’s worth pausing and asking whether the environment is within healthy norms. Just as restaurants have health grades, communities have relational climates. Some churches are a blessing. But others will exhaust/exploit you. Pain and discernment should help you see which is which. (Also, see Galatians 5:13-26 and watch to see what the leaders do...not just what they say.)

Turning pain into ministry: your insights become someone else’s help

One of the most beautiful outcomes of suffering is that our hard-won insights become resources for others. When you have endured and processed pain well, you are uniquely positioned to comfort and counsel people in the same circumstances. That’s why I consider pain, in a hidden sense, a gift: it equips you to serve in ways reading or theory never could.

We learn often more from lived experience than books. Karen's story about recognizing wolves in sheep’s clothing is a perfect example: Scripture names these things, but real-life encounters sharpen our discernment.

Practical checklist: what to do when pain arrives

• Pause and ask: Is this pain signaling danger or revealing character?
• Name your emotion and allow grief where needed.
• Decide on one healthy boundary you can set this week.
• Identify one trusted person or coach to process this with—don’t go it alone.
• Practice one conflict resolution skill in a small interaction to build muscle memory.
• If applicable, plan a redemptive pathway for the relationship that includes accountability and time-limited steps.

Conclusion: why does God allow pain, and what now?

So why does God allow pain and suffering? Because pain can be a teacher. It warns us of external danger and reveals our internal responses. It calls us to grieve rightly, to forgive without being naive, to set protective boundaries, and to learn healthy conflict skills. When we respond in ways that prioritize health—spiritual, emotional, relational—we not only recover but gain wisdom that helps others.

If you’re asking why does God allow hardship in your life right now, I want to encourage you: use this season to learn. Let your response be your testimony. Make health your priority. Grieve well, secure redemptive boundaries, and practice forgiveness as a pathway to freedom—not as permission for abuse. If you need help applying these principles in a marriage, workplace, or faith community, reach out to someone who can coach you through practical steps.

We’ll continue exploring how to move from betrayal and hurt to healing and wisdom. Pain doesn’t have the final word—your response does. Choose a response that honors God, protects your heart, and positions you to help others when they walk through the same valley.

— Kerry & Karen, New Destiny Coaching